Goodbye, dear 2010

Everywhere I listen to people say how terrible 2010 was. Including on TV, but let's not go there. Others wish us a"Happy New Year" in an incredibly mechanical way, without any sort of meaning to it, except the slight hope that the Time of our Lives is somewhere hidden in 2011. It seems to me that this year comes across as just another year, another boring step towards old age, another meaningless collection of fights, when don't even know what we're fighting for.

Not for me. I dare to say that 2010 was one of the most important years of my life. It was a time for begginings. New projects, new hopes, new ideas and new people. It was a time of enlightenment, where the road to follow has finally been chosen and I can truly say that I have realised where I am going and what I really want. It wasn't anything close to an easy acomplishment.
I'm moving on to the next year, feeling that I've done everything I could and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
That wouldn't have happened without the help of some very important people. But they know who they are and they deserve this line for coping with my drama, eccentricity and mood swings.

The only hope I have for 2011 is that everything that has begun this year, will continue taking form and growing. But enough about me, I'm sure you don't give a damn.

...

Oh well, Happy 2011. Let's try to find that so called Time of our Lives in it.
My fingers are crossed.

Wuthering Heights

"...for what is not connected to her for me? and what does not recall her? I cannot look down to this floor, but her features are shaped on the flags! In every cloud, in every tree- filling the air at night, and caught by glimpses in every object by day, I am surrounded with her image! The most ordinary faces of men and women-my own features-mock me with a resemblance. The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that I have lost her!"- Heathcliff


*.* the hopeless romantic in me is running around in circles!

Sol - Oposição - Júpiter

São palavras que iluminam.
Caminhos que trazem de volta os raios daquele Sol que brilha sem se ver nem se notar.
São gestos que suavizam.
Presenças que reacendem, como se nada deste mundo tivesse  estado apagado.
São vozes que acalmam.
Um alívio lento, evasivo, expansivo e absoluto que regenera e fornece luz.

Um pedido de conjunção,
Um desejo transcendente,
Um fogo resplandecente,
Uma estrada que chama,
Uma esperança ardente,
Um rasgo de felicidade,
Uma lágrima suplicante,
Uma droga tão certa,
Um grito de ajuda,
Uma necessidade,
Uma loucura,
Um pouco...
Um tudo.

Júpiter é, sem dúvida, inflamável.

Wild Horses

Wild Horses

 

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am,
You know I can't let you slide through my hands

Wild Horses,
Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses,
Couldn't drag me away...

I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind



(...)

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die

Wild Horses,
Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses,
We'll ride them someday

*

An apology for Sara.

Oh my, oh my...It's been all fun and games around here.
I guess I must have some voodoo on me. Broke my precious left hand. =O Oh well, life goes on. I guess I still have one left.


So I was wondering about what the hell I was going to write about today. Last post was an apology for the Heart. Maybe this time it should be one for myself. I don't mean to apologize, but to explain...shed some lights on me, for those who've had the (pleasant or awful) chance to meet me.


I believe that life is like a river. A river of energy. I believe that some things stop the flow and others allow the water to run free. This river has many, many cycles, but it is a cycle itself. Everything is born, lives and dies. Many rivers are my neighbours, many run across mine, someday...few join me for a little while...Some remain for years. Some began their journey in places so far away, only to join me along the years.
None of this changes their importance to me.


I believe in freedom. It helps me move forward and flow. For me, true love frees you.


I believe in choice. Nothing feels worse than someone who apparently gives me choice but yells at me if I choose the wrong answer.


I don't believe in black and white. I don't understand the " Or it is, or it isn't." For me, it's all about grey.


I believe in privacy. Therefore, I loathe questions. I'll tell you if I want to. If you love me, you won't give a damn about this. I bet you have your issues too.


I believe that beliefs should be few and theorical questions should be many, for how can such tiny beings perceive anything concerning life? I believe that these beliefs remain open to discussion.


I believe that love knows no distance, for it is more complex than flesh.


I believe that love does not disappear, for it is untouchable. Maybe change form, be clouded by angry fog, but not disappear. Yet, the rivers part their ways and life goes on. At times, when love stops our flow of energy, the love we have for ourselves has to come first.


Now...Some believe I'm wicked and others believe the same just because they've heard of it. Don't laugh. This happens more often than you think. Maybe you've done it with me yourself sometime, if you think hard.


Some believe I'm heartless. And I fully understand, even though I do not agree. The temptation to perceive someone who hurt us as heartless is too big. I secretly hope they'll change their mind, but I leave it to destiny to prove things, not to me. If I wanted to work with evidence and proof, I'd try and be a lawyer.


Some believe I'm super smart. I'm not being modest when I say that I only have a good memory. I can be quite dumb at times.


Some think I'm stupid to think no one is purely evil. I'm surely proud of it. All I see is youth, fear, illness and mistakes. We all have a "reason why".


Some think I'm cold and untouchable. That is because:
a) you're touching the wrong part
b) you haven't even tried


Some think I'm uncapable of love(universal love, not the sereotype...). That is because:
a) you want a different kind of love than what I have to offer.
b) dunno...you just don't like me
c) I do love you, but you're too busy thinking I'm a bitch.


Some hate that I'm quiet, snobbish and that I couldn't care less about the latest tv show.
Don't waste your time on me then, for heaven's sake!


Some think I'm rude. Great, one less person I have to cope with. I keep getting comments on how I should be more tactful and nice. Well...if you want a tactful nice friend, go find one. I'll improve myself when life makes me realise that I have to.
But if you're in trouble, I'll be the one showing up. Your nice friend is watching tv.


I'm scared of fights and of disappointment in someone else's eyes. That is among the hardest things I've ever had to do. If not the hardest.


I believe that I make mistakes when I'm scared or when my freedom is at stake. I know that I could be so much better at times...but so could you.


I don't know what all of this makes me. But it doesn't matter, anyway. Every single one of you will read this text and imagine my voice in your head: and in every single mind, I'll be saying something completely different.


Isn't life the most wonderful thing?

An apology for the Heart

I fear that I haven't been clear on my last post.
Some of you may have thought that I was defending the clear and logical Reason when I said: "How do we not fall when blindfolded?". But I was not. It is quite normal that, as heirs to the Humanists, we give Reason a very big and powerful name.
I have been told once that there are many parts of us. Many voices in our heads. As I've said before, we tend to split them in only two: Reason and Sentiment. Everyone has heard about these two eternal enemies, right?
So, we've learnt to asociate Reason with clear-headedness, judgement and even good mental health. On the other side Emotion walks hand-in-hand with wildness, unstability and madness.
And this is all we see.
How many times have we denied ourselves something good and refreshing because it didn't make any sense? And that is what my text was about. It was about the relativity of every voice in our heads, that leaves us without a clue of which one is right, and in defense of  the equilibrated consideration to be given to either Sentiment or Reason. Equal. (Since we are deeply used to dualities, it'll be easier to understand).


Now, my text was that of a person who knows that the Heart is right, but is afraid that this feeling is nothing but Innocence. And what do I mean by Heart?
What I'm speaking of is not just another voice, but what we know, deep down to be true. And because of these many voices, (Reason, Sentiment and Fear can be considered such, depending on the situation) what we know in our very soul to be right, is clouded and buried...difficult to see. But it is always there.
At times we feel negative. Negativity is clouding the Heart.
False hope does it, Fear does it, Attraction does it, Reason does it, Comfort does it.
But the Heart always knows.
And so I repeat: "...I can't help it. My heart wears a secret smile made of silence."

Reason

Sometimes Reason defies all that I feel.
What to do when the heart is deaf to every piece of advice and logic?
Who knows best: The heart or the brain?
What to say when our fate lies in uncertain ways?
Then, how do we not fall when blindfolded?
What do do when words turn our dreams into dust?
Is it destiny? Or is it longing?

Life is but a neverending well of questions.
I could go on and on, but Reason tells me to shut up and be normal.

Oh...I can't help it. My heart wears a secret smile made of silence.

We'll see...

All-The-Kings

There's always someone who knows just what to say.

Isn't there?

You don't need to think too hard.

There's always someone who won't let you fall.

There's always someone who knows all your reasons-why.

Always there but never summoned.

Never need to ask for it, never need to say a word.

No breath, no sound, pieces fit, stars rejoice

And then you could swear angels are made of flesh.

*



"True work feeds the soul, it doesn’t feed off it."

Sara F.

Talvez-um-dia

Maybe.Someday

Dois pedaços de inexistente vidro moldaram-se aos meus sonhos. Derreteram, envolveram a minha pele e, como não me podiam tocar, entraram no que de mim é intocável. Nenhum aviso. Acordaram uma qualquer voz que um qualquer Outono embalou e, mesmo sem saber qual das muitas é, agora há sempre mais uma. Estes vidros incomodam- me com a sua não-presença, amedrontam-me com a sua textura e completam-me com o seu reflexo...Esta existência incompleta, este “talvez-um-dia”, estes sonhos desenhados e esculpidos na minha mente, que dirijo como actores, apoderaram-se do meu palco e fundiram-se com os meus planos. Estes vidros são peça impossível de remover, que talvez me cortem quando forem um todo, que talvez me deixem sem palco e sem actor.

Talvez-um-dia verei a tua cor e me deleitarei na tua sombra. Vidros....espelhos da alma, em tons e contrastes. Talvez-um-dia, quando a chuva cair na minha mão, não reflicta o meu palco, mas aquela voz que eu já não sei qual é. Até lá, apenas actores, falas, histórias e tudo o mais que me aguenta o corpo e me sacia a sede de existência e de presença. Mas aquele bater na tua porta...Aquela chuva…mais longe do que perto e mais perfeita do que imperfeita, não se desvanece nem vacila. Pago o bilhete para vê-la todos os dias. E todos os dias reescrevo a peça. E todos os dias mudo a melodia. Quem me dera comprar um bilhete para o teu palco, que sei que também o tens, mas tudo o que eu desejo agora é que chova em mim! Que chova em nós! Mas que chova gelado, molhado, que me adoeça e me ensope os cabelos, até que o gelar de mim me diga que estamos vivos e existimos um no outro! Talvez.Um.Dia. Que o meu corpo sinta e veja, mas não pense, que pensamentos já os gastei quase todos. Até lá, espero, sonho e desejo

…E reservo um bilhete para o teu palco, na esperança que ele não saia de prazo.

5000 Stars

"My link to thee unknown
My connection...
My hope...
...This isn't temporary"

Chantal K.

Utopia

Well, I'd love to say something profound today, but I'm stuck with Utopia (yep, the Thomas More one). Have I mentioned how pleasant life would be without History tests?

Watching The Tudors is so much better, and we still learn everything.
(Plus it has Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Henry Cavill)

*sigh*
Did you know that all the utopians wore the same loose leather overalls? And that they kept each for about 7 years?

Oh! And they didn't have beer.

O.o...

u.u...

Today

I don't know what to say today. I guess I've run, temporarily, out of poetry in my vains. And now all that's left is this raw and compulsive network of information, from which I extract my poetry. It is dangerous to write from it. The words come without their usual cover, and the pages turn into regular diaries full of ideas and dreams, instead of their beautifuly trimmed twin. In short: You'll get exactly what I feel and what I think.
If you know me, you probably know how I dislike that.
That doesn't mean I can't try to work things out.

There's been a post that inspired me. (http://aprfbeat.blogspot.com/2010/08/hoje-nao-tenho-vontade-de-escrever.html) My cousin speaks of little moments that we miss and that we delight in remembering. They become this icon of simple happiness and thinking of them takes us to that sweet, special place inside.

Have you ever found yourself remembering something so simple and realizing "I didn't know how happy I was then..."? And we didn't. Happiness passes us by so fast, that we don't even see it. When we realize it had paid us a small visit, years have already gone by and it is far gone again.

A few days ago, at my gandmother's house, we gathered close to the window and talked about the stars. We talked about how the light that we see now is already so very old.

Happiness is just like a star. Always beautiful, always out of reach and yet lighting up the darkness of the night. And we aknowledge only the light that has shone so long ago...because it is the only light we can see.

But what if we take a step forward? What if we realize that this light is constantly shining? Maybe then we'd know that today,this very hour and this very minute, will shine upon us, years from now. And we'll miss this very moment and wish we could come back and sit here again, in front of this screen. We will wonder how it was ever possible for us to overlook and not aknowledge the great value of Today.

So, don't.

Nights

"the night is warm but Lonely
i should be crawling in
You're fast asleep but i am Waiting"

A. Wright



Small Pleasures

I just remembered. A few years ago, I got an e-mail and it was the cutest thing ever. It was a list of little things in our day that made us feel good and it was meant for us to read whenever we felt down. So then we'd remember that, in spite of all the bad things that fall upon us, we'd still have these cute precious somethings to brighten our day and bring a smile to our faces. I felt like making a list of my own. Of course there's no specific order =p (Some are originally from the e-mail)

- A hot shower before going to sleep
- Kissing in the rain
- Getting a back massage
- Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep
- Laughing so hard that your belly hurts
- Wraping presents for christmas
- Running into a friend you haven't seen in years
- Long-distance phone calls
- Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you
- The sunrise
- The smell that remains in the air, after it rains
- Your grandmother/grandfather
- When there are just a few seconds to go before midnight, on new Year's Eve
- Your best friend
- Awesome conversations that go on for hours
- A new pet
- Inside jokes
- Falling in love
- Lying on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, listening to the rain outside
- Seeing someone you've missed very much
- No lines
- Hearing your favorite song on the radio
- Realizing that some good things never change
- Black Vodcka
- Chocolate
- Old videos
- Stuffed animals (ok, boys, don't complain about this one)
- Eye contact with a cute stranger
- Grandmother's food
- Helping a friend
- The sound of waves
- Meeting a person you get very well along with
- When someone misses you
- Getting presents from someone, when you weren't counting on it
- Having a really nice dream
- Hearing laughter from your friends
- When something you want really bad is on sale for half the price
- Laughing for no reason
- Realizing that someone dear loves you
- Ice Cream
- Vacation
- Singing really loud when you're alone
- Going through your old pictures
- When the bell rings and the class is over
- Drinking water when you're thirsty
- Finally lying down on your bed, when you're tired
- The feeling after finishing exams
- A song that reminds you of good old moments
- Going to the cinema and eating popcorn
- A helping hand when you least expect it
- Buying a new magazine
- Your old toys
- Receiving a compliment
- When you open a text message and it is from the person you wanted to hear from
- Eating out
- Drinking beer with your friends
- Old songs
- Daydreaming... ;)

Please tell me if I forgot something.
I probably did. There are too many good things in life.
***
Sara F.

One of Many

-One Of Many-

The voice now swears, in rapid secrecy, that my days to come I could finally see. Mistakable voice, seldom speaks, never is, takes a chance and sings to me.  The words fall free,

bright, safe, scared

loved, named, tamed

 I know not their shade, I know not my name, but they ravish my soul in strong, sparse waves.

Sara F.

Simplify

Most of the times we don't know where to go...which path to follow.
In our minds it reads:

Let go?

Wish?

Jump?                                                                                                                                        Back off?

Believe?

Question?

Try?

Give up?

Face it?                                                                                                                                  Deny it?

Show?

 Hide?

Black?
White?

Heart?

Head?

But why do we split everything in two?



My Light

"I feel you but I don't really know you
I dreamed of you from the moment I saw you
And I've seen the sunrise in your eyes
The sky... the sea... the light
(...)
The light is you..."

Dreaming Light, Anathema

Wheels Of Fortune

Those foggy horizons, I remember

Those hopeless nothings, I recall

Those everlasting seconds, I summon

By means of magic, dark or sacred -

For it is the same - they have gone.

Will they ever hide?

Those turning wheels of fortune, I foresee

Those blood-pumping hours, I prophecize

For those rainy ends, I long

By means of destiny, human or divine -

For it is the same - they have come.

Will they ever show?

Sara F.

To Wait

To Wait

(...)

And my heart is frozen blue, hanging by a moment. Holding onto the moment when I won’t wait anymore. But maybe then I will want to wait again, and again, and yet again... One day, in some distant blurry future I will miss this grudging demon that I've welcomed into myself and laid down to sleep in my chest.

At times, the unknown dark ahead falls upon my loving heart and I find myself throwing my dreams at it, like weaponry. They shine with light and will. But sometimes they flicker, and when they do I get scared, like a little child. Because of that, the dark crawled up my skin and placed itself where my love shines. Must be why it gets so heavy at times.

To Wait is a constant, everlasting fight. My head against my heart, against my soul, against my body. My doubt against my love, against my dreams, against my needs.

Seconds go by, ever so slowly. I’ve counted endless numbers and then I’ve distracted myself and lost the count. So I started over, not knowing when I will stop, or if I’ll ever stop. So I dream of the day when I will. Always needing, always wanting.

I wish and crave, with the deepest meanings of my existence, for this constant, wild, alcoholic thirst to be sated, just once.

So, in this unending sea full of seconds I’m lying on, I fill a glass full of dreams.

And I drink.

(...)


Text/Painting "To Wait"- Sara F.

Pieces.Lost

“I dreamt that the world was a big, colorful puzzle.

The big puzzle had a billion different pieces.

Each one of those pieces was a soul.

For each soul, there was a right place.

And we were all connected.”

Sara F.